Seriously, what is it about beards? Why do they make men insta-hot and make women insta-horny? How do they make Steve from Accounting—whom you’ve literally never noticed before—suddenly look like Jason Momoa when he comes back from a vacay with facial hair? Why are they so magical? No one knows. Maybe it’s because we fantasize about some lumberjack carrying into the woods, away from the shit storm of virtual school and toddler pee that is our lives. Maybe we have a weird and creepy dad complex. Maybe we’re in our 40s and just want a partner who has a thicker beard than we do. Whatever it is, we love beards.
Or maybe you don’t. Maybe you’re anti-facial hair all the way. I mean, it is less than hot when they get cheese stuck in there after eating a giant meatball sub. We concur on that.
But like it or not, 2020 does appear to be the year of the beard. And many of us like it. We like it a lot. (We’re looking at you, Chris Evans.)
So if you too stan a good, strong scruff (or maybe a 6-inch long Santa beard—you do you!) check out these confessionals from other Scary Mommy fans who agree.
“My OH fancied me for years and I wasn’t attracted to him in the slightest.
We’ve now been together 3 years and have a DS. It wouldn’t have happened if he hadn’t grown a beard. If he shave it off, I’m leaving him”
“My 40 year old husband has gotten some gray in his beard and I actually think it’s kinda hot!”
“I hate it when my husband shaves his beard off. He gets annoyed with me bc he thinks I don’t like his face. Nah, all men look better with beards, babe. Every single one of you.”
“I love DH’s beard. I rub his face like he’s a kitten.”
The beard changes everything. Gray speckled beard—hot. A little post holiday scruff—hot. Thick, mountain main forest hair all over your face—hoooooottttt.
“I find myself strangely attracted to the Queer Eye Guy with the long hair and beard. When he’s on the screen, my eyes are only on him!”
“I want Jay Gruen to take me and toss me around while he has his way with me. He’s like a hot cave man with those tattoos and beard. Yummmm…..”
“I can’t stop staring at pictures of Andrew Lincoln. I’d follow him in the zombie apocalypse. I’d fuck him, too. Crazy beard and all. YUM.”
Andrew Lincoln, sure. But hell, even Abraham Lincoln. Four score and seven years ago? How about you score on me four and seven times, hmmmm?
“I have a crush on a co-worker who has a beard. Never made out a hairy guy and can’t help wondering what it would be like. DH has less body hair than I do…”
“Got past my crush. Then on a whim I looked him up on the internet. He grew a beard. So hot!! I guess I haven’t gotten past my crush. Sigh.”
“My first crush was a red haired boy. Since then, I’ve always been attracted to ginger men, especially with beards!
“I have the hugest crush on my neighbor.. hes 50, slight dad bod and an amazing sliver and blonde beard/mustache combo. Single too.. yum!”
Beards make us have all the tingles like we’re 16 again, having crushes on the hot new neighbor mowing his lawn or the UPS delivery guy with his 5 o’clock shadow. I’ll take that package now, please.
“DH working from home today. I’m still on mat leave with our 8-week-old. DH looks so fucking hot, rumpled linen shirt and two-day beard. Want to give him a BJ so bad but this adorable baby is a total cock block. Sigh.”
“I really want to fuck my BIL (H’s brother), I have for over 10 years. The sexual attraction is overwhelming. And he recently grew a beard and now he’s even hotter… damn.”
“When I see a dude with a beard and a man bun, I want to rip his clothes off and do dirty, dirty things to him.”
“I have an unhealthy obsession with bearded men. Put a healthy beard on almost any man and I’d bang him.”
“I hate beards but husband grew one and now all I want to do is climb him like a tree. ALL.THE.TIME”
They say beards can get dirty, which is fine because the thoughts in our heads are dirty already. Take us outside and throw us down in the mud if you want, you Paul Bunyan, you.
If you’re anti-beard, we get it. It’s not for everyone. And some guys really can’t pull it off or hate the way facial hair feels. But if they’re into it, and their partner is into it, we say toss the razor and stroke that face until it purrs. (Or until you do. Wink.)