From The Confessional: We Are Feeling Tingly In Our In-Between For Bearded Dudes

Seriously, what is it about beards? Why do they make men insta-hot and make women insta-horny? How do they make Steve from Accounting—whom you’ve literally never noticed before—suddenly look like Jason Momoa when he comes back from a vacay with facial hair? Why are they so magical? No one knows. Maybe it’s because we fantasize about some lumberjack carrying into the woods, away from the shit storm of virtual school and toddler pee that is our lives. Maybe we have a weird and creepy dad complex. Maybe we’re in our 40s and just want a partner who has a thicker beard than we do. Whatever it is, we love beards.

Or maybe you don’t. Maybe you’re anti-facial hair all the way. I mean, it is less than hot when they get cheese stuck in there after eating a giant meatball sub. We concur on that.

But like it or not, 2020 does appear to be the year of the beard. And many of us like it. We like it a lot. (We’re looking at you, Chris Evans.)

So if you too stan a good, strong scruff (or maybe a 6-inch long Santa beard—you do you!) check out these confessionals from other Scary Mommy fans who agree.

The beard changes everything. Gray speckled beard—hot. A little post holiday scruff—hot. Thick, mountain main forest hair all over your face—hoooooottttt.

Andrew Lincoln, sure. But hell, even Abraham Lincoln. Four score and seven years ago? How about you score on me four and seven times, hmmmm?

Beards make us have all the tingles like we’re 16 again, having crushes on the hot new neighbor mowing his lawn or the UPS delivery guy with his 5 o’clock shadow. I’ll take that package now, please.

They say beards can get dirty, which is fine because the thoughts in our heads are dirty already. Take us outside and throw us down in the mud if you want, you Paul Bunyan, you.

If you’re anti-beard, we get it. It’s not for everyone. And some guys really can’t pull it off or hate the way facial hair feels. But if they’re into it, and their partner is into it, we say toss the razor and stroke that face until it purrs. (Or until you do. Wink.)